The wait

Faith is gone and innocence lost. As teary hours go by, moments seem like ages. As each minute comments remind a mind fucked ass of the past that used to be, he cant stop repenting. Feeling pity, for himself. Yes he lied. He cheated. Did the worst possible things known to mankind. He is your everyday asshole. but wait, he is not. He loved. Yes he did, like crazy. Still does. Every unslept hour of every unslept night dies in her thoughts. Sorry is a word that would not do it. Sorry is too sorry to even be a part of the discussion. With her gone, everything feels like a maze of stupidity. the times she called up to cuss were better. At least he got to hear her voice. God knows how relieved he would be..only if she calls. be it to cuss at him...what if..she calls..

WHAT IF

If only, I had another chance to show, Im not the lier she thinks I am. Im not as evil as I  seemingly come across. What if I had another go..at what I couldn't value for splits of mind fucked craziness..what if..I had it all back..what if,,I got another chance, to show her how much I love, How much I care... What if.....

Untitled again

If I were to speak of the things I've done
I'd only reinstate your words
And society, and all that is showing me a black eye
I'd bring in plain view, the psychopath in me

If i were to say the things I've thought about
I'd show you what insanity feels like
Like a drug that has figured you out all so pathetically
Like a continuous roll of drums that ceases to stop

A rotten old packet seems like such a trash to you and your civil society
They say I'm just an old sucker too sucked up to let it go
Truthfully, the truth is I'm still the dopehead that i was
Only this time i've blended it all together
The touch of your soft fingers, the sound  of your sweet voice, the sight of your ruffled hair
And the wind.. the fresh wind that comes from the ocean..Bringing with it the irresistible urge

Cause you are so obvious all over me
Your mixed perfume blended in so perfectly with my sweat
Your crazy hair in tidbits maybe in a couple of my clothes
Your lips, ever so tender, still on mine
The smell of your neck..the potency of which still forces me to sleep

Cause you're so obvious all over me
The touch of your breasts on my black chest
Pitch black
Throws in the hope of my vestige being revisited
Because
You're so obvious all over me

The human mind is the worst piece of creation ever. Think about it, would you buy a laptop if it shuts down or starts playing crappy music according to its own fancies? You own a body. Yours  that is. Do whatever you want to do with it, its yours anyways. Problem lies with the mind. If things go your way, your mind is the most obedient slave that you could ever have. Obliging you at every possible instant. The second it starts fucking up, damn, you're your own prey.

I've been listening to a lot of blues lately. I've had enough of alt rock. Grown out of it i guess. Someone told me Blues is defined as- A good man in bad times. Maybe its this line that made me such a sucker of it. Or maybe cause I love a clean guitar tone. Getting back to where I had started, the human mind. I've read a bit of Freud here and there. I don't see what exactly he tried to do with his in depth studies. He would have done a better job studying the male penis i guess. However there is this one epic quote I came across- Every man is a hero, in his dreams. Only if, dreams were under control, the humankind would have been a far happier lot I guess. I don't understand, what is the point of owning something, having it as a part of your being, which actually you have no control on. Falling prey to the outside world is okay. Its a battle in the end. Everyday is one. But falling prey to one's own self? Now that is sucky. Maybe someday I will have the answers. God willing, the day i do, I'll post it here but thing is, the day I will have the answers, I will be having no use of the knowledge. I'd already have made all the mistakes i could.

Even then, if You ever wonder the things I do, you will find the answers here. It may take a good few decades or a good bottle of whiskey, but the answer will definitely be here. Until then...Cheers..

Untitled 2

The storm has subsided. The waves have stopped crashing on the shores. The clouds have cleared. What lays in open view is a seemingly calm village with pretty looking exteriors. But the destruction is evident if you care to stop and see. Behind the laughter of every playful child is the wail of a scared mother. Too scared to let her child play. Too scared to let the kid out in the open. Cause innocence is lost in this village. Gone are the days when a smile was a smile and not a cover up for the jarred yesterday.

The gaping hollows remind the folk of the yesterdays that used to be. When she was there. When the sun used to shine with her singing out loud. In tune was she? Nobody knows. Nobody cared to judge. She was their blessing. She taught the town to laugh. To look at the exquisite beauty that laps up a scary wave as the others backed up for safety. She waived her skirt and danced to the tune of nature's fury.

They called her Blessing. They lived to her tune. Danced to her songs. Drunk to her joy. Cause grief, there was none. They were happy and so was Blessing till that very day.

The day that swept their pretty little life as far as the sea could. Blessing was gone. Too far away to even know the village was gutted. They hoped. They cried. They prayed. Innocence was gone. Swept as far as the sea could take. The children have learnt to smile again. A cover up, as they say, to keep the jarred yesterday at bay. Cause Innocence was gone.

Untitled- 1

The humour is lost. Or maybe it was never there. At times one needs a jolt I guess to put things back into perspective. Its been a while and suddenly i realise that all I was after was a transient dream of happiness. Intangible,yes. could never hold it nor feel it.transient dream cause it always provoked a smile of hope which was maybe never there.

A million times i've heard people complain about how people change. Well, why shouldn't they? Wouldn't you? Wouldn't everybody? Its ok.its fine. Its only natural to grow. I'm coming to the close of an era and I'd thought I'd come out a happy man cause I have it all sorted, cause i read through things, cause i am good at certain things and the rest are taken care of. I'm coming out of it either ways but with a lot many questions. Simple ones. But I'd already thought I had the answers. That I was proved wrong doesnt really matter. What matters is how could i not see through it all along. When your life's work falls apart, should it bother you that it fell apart? or should it nudge your mind bit by bit that why did you keep building on it?How could you not see that its going to fall apart anyways.....

Gandu-The loser

Whoever said that failure is the stepping stone to success hasn't really failed much. Had he, he wouldn't have given out a fancy one liner for something that disgraceful. Its always the successful people who get to point out the losers and reminisce about the time they were on the othr side too...whether or not they were, its a chic thing to say that- yo, im not an overnight success..I failed before I got this.
Now to know what a real failure is, you got to ask a real failure...A Gandu..Though Q made a mess of the much anticipated movie, it gives scope for retrospection..Am i one??? And one shouldn't be surprised if that evokes a positive reaction..A Gandu knows that hes just a big fucking Gandu.(and the "I" that should have been in caps two sentences back, wasnt a typo...gandus dont get the honour of writing about themselves in  caps).

Retrospection was done.Much of it was done and not surprisingly, he got a positive reaction too...and boom, so did somebody else. Was a vindication of sorts.But nonetheless, a Gandu..A big fucking one..

The Big P

I have a funny feeling in my stomach 24x7. Well minus the hours i spend sleeping in class(i got busted by my Advertising professor  and my Consumer Behavior professor in 2 consecutive lectures yesterday:P) but all that apart, I'm a PGDM student in my 3rd semester and the P in question is quite obviously...PLACEMENT.
I'm already tired of the free sweets distributed by the placed Finance guys. Trust me when i say, sweets never felt this bitter before. And the shine in the eyes of those bastards. The hint of sarcasm seems to transpire through the seemingly innocent laddoos. Every bit of it speaks out loud- "eat up boy, you still got no job".. Gives you shudders really.

I've started  appearing in hypothetical interviews in front of the mirror. I stop each time i feel i'm lying more than twice in the same sentence but there's no way i'm getting a job without lying.
You see a manager has to be responsible. My degree of responsibility falls on a negative scale of being even remotely close to the aforementioned word. I wash clothes a week after throwing them on the washroom floor. Mighty responsible eh? Exhibit2- I leave for college leaving my room open. I'd like to think my man management skills are good enough to handle a crisis situation. Truth be told, each time i've been through one of those, i nearly had blood on my hands.  The last time it happened, i was literally about to set a bike on fire and then kill it's owner.
Now the only question to which i got an apt answer is about my communication skill with incidents validating its uber  awesomeness. In my hypothetical mock interview, the big bad sly H.R. manager asks me about my convincing skills and i go- I'd give you two incidents  
1st.... My 1st year in college.Me and two other 1st year kids huddled, surrounded by at least 20 big burly seniors,super seniors,super duper seniors, super(god knows which batch) seniors, super( god knows college seniors) in my college campus, ready to beat the living shit outta us. Our mistake- fudging a super small bit of college money designated for the fest(which was Gujarati society black money anyways) and going out partying. The reasons the seniors would give us a big piece of their mind and a lot more? The money was for them to fudge..So it wasn't much of a fault rather a revolution. Coming off age of the 1st year kids. And I Sir, talked my way outta it. Without a single blow nor slap.
2nd... A drunken waste on the edge of a roof about to jump off blaming me for the calamity(which, had it happened,would have been a blessing really), at 3 in the morning. I talked the jerk out of it.

Had someone given such an answer to me, he would have been my star employee commanding the highest pay package and the least work. Would it work for real?? I'm not sure guys.. The answers can get me booked for fraud, misappropriation, felony, undue influence blah blah blah.. WTF? Im a nice guy really.. ask M..
All i know is that truth, as awesome as it is, will have to stay buried and the only hope of a decent interview is the traditional route.. lie from line one..CHEERS TO THAT..

P.S. The other P's that have held significance in my life this far are as follows(chronologically) -
1- Puberty
2- Pornography
3- Pink Floyd
4- Pot..:p

Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind

Ryan smirked as he watched Vlad Dracula stab Jesus’s effigy in the heart and drink up the blood flowing through his bosom,in the cult classic Bram Stoker’s Dracula. They say there is no black and no white, just shades of gray. No black?? They say? Since when has he cared about what they say? Who is this they? There is and will be black. The same way that there is and will be Ryan McCarthy. Ryan  is young, successful, rich. A criminal lawyer, he studied law not to be a savior but to toe the line at every possible instance and make a mockery of the judiciary. Friends he has none, not a soul. They are not worth it are they? He gets girls, damn he gets girls but he is not dying for attention. He doesn’t need it. Because he is too big for this petty shameless transient  mudslinging  voyeuristic society. But voyeur he is. 26 years he has been in the covers searching for the one.

The one, the yin for his yang. They say all potent forces come in pairs. Each to fight the other. They say again? Ryan laughed out. His lifes dream, objective, hope, ambition.. all zeroed down on finding the one. He’s checked everywhere, clubs, offices, pubs, ghettos. Turned down each time. Did it take such a toll on God to create him that he din’t have it in him to do something remotely similar again?  and why is Ryan doing this? simple isn’t it? He wants to show his worth. That he is bigger than anything else. Its not ego, not high self esteem. Its just the truth isn’t it? If they say you’re good, you want to pin down the better and show them that you’re the best. THEY? Haha..

Ryan has it all. Money, success, fame, bungalows, shiny black Ferrari. He wants recognition. Vindication. That he is the best. The greatest to have ever graced the humankind. A mistake by the almighty. God should have known that the world is not ready for Ryan. Ryan was born this way. He has always known himself and the world and what a mismatch he is. Since then he started his covert little search that spanned across two decades but he hasn’t got all life right? He wants to die young, look handsome in his coffin. His match can go fishing for piranha or hope to videotape the loch ness monster. Not his problem if The One does not realize that he is The One. Frustration gets on to Ryan. He wants to scream out loud to God or whoever sits up there and claims to have created humankind. God. Who is this God? If Ryan is the  most potent ever, who is bigger than him? Is it possible to be any better? He is the best isn’t  he? Why can’t he play God? What does God do anyways? Give life and take life? That’s it? The poster over Ryan’s bed says- Almighty  was afraid. Had he been in combat, even he would bleed..

Giving life he has no interest in. He wondered how it felt to take life. The feeling of being the one standing with his boots on somebody’s chest as he begged for his life exhilarated him. That is how you play God. That is how Ryan vindicates himself. Kill his Yin. But where the hell is this match of his? 26 years and no response. Frustrates Ryan. He gives this guy one night, a bottle of Jack Daniels and ten cigars. T he moment his sophisticated taste in indulgement ends, he would execute his plan B. Minutes rolled on to hours as Ryan sipped on to his scotch and waited for a call, a mail, somebody at his door, some divine intervention…

5.30 in the morning.. The first rays of sunshine kissed the glass windows of his penthouse and cleared the view of his dark apartment. On the couch lay the bloody lifeless body of a handsome youth in a crisp suit. A licensed desert eagle on one hand and a bore on his skull. Next to him was an empty bottle of Jack D and ten cigar butts. The neatly folded sheet lying on the table said- I waited for God to turn up, he didn’t. So I did what Vlad had done. Shot the all powerful on his head.

They say there is no Black and no White.. only shades of Grey.. No Black??? They should think again..They??? Somebody would have screamed with laughter..

P.S.  Title adapted from the 2002 cult classic by the same name directed by George Clooney..Check it out if you already haven't.

Starting off...

Her monochrome clicks paint a strange picture. Morbid would be the word maybe. Its much like blood drained out of an old injury but the scars remaining in plain sight. All bare bones in exhibition. Much like his city..A careless congestion of self imposing materialism. He sees it all. A silent observer. He goes back to his M to pour it all over.. puke in her ears.
He sees how her clicks bring out his inner self..the blurry carriage ride..or the maze of lights mazing in its doped out trips..too mazed to realize when it started mazing. Its strange the way she reaches out without even trying to reach out. He knows not if she does it willfully or if it just sweats out of her without a damn notice.
Frankly, it doesnt really matter. There comes a point of time in each person's life when knowingly or unknowingly she does something she had never planned yet when it pans out, it all seems planned.. she doesnt know what THE PLAN is. He doesnt remember having elaborately discussed it with her. But there is a plan, there always was..Chalking out destinies of millions. Only too big in magnitude to ever get noticed..
Much like the one part of it that brought him this close to M.

P.S.- I'd thought the first post should be about me.Who I am and all that boredom..Frankly I din't remember..Next time maybe..cheers